All the news that's unfit to govern by.
Middling Metropolitan Borough Council has completed its seven-year investigation into whether it needs a department to investigate the need for investigations. The comprehensive review, involving 43 consultants and a bewildered public, has reached the groundbreaking conclusion that further investigation is required.
Sir Reginald Vaguely-Committal MP has achieved the impossible: a thirty-year parliamentary career without expressing a single definitive opinion on anything. His revolutionary approach to strategic ambiguity has made him Westminster's most successful politician. Political historians are baffled, colleagues are envious, and his constituents remain none the wiser.
Dame Patricia Inclusivity-Worthington's groundbreaking 200-page analysis reveals that Britain's most marginalised demographic is senior officials paid to identify marginalised demographics. The report recommends immediate action to address this critical shortage through the appointment of additional specialists.
Government's ambitious deregulation drive introduces comprehensive compliance system to help businesses navigate which forms they no longer need to fill out. Treasury confirms the new Anti-Red Tape Management Office will require dedicated oversight committee.
Chancellor announces groundbreaking approach to public finance through strategic recycling of theoretical underspends from abandoned commitments. OBR tasked with modelling seventeen different definitions of 'funded' to ensure mathematical compliance.
Sir Reginald Pembroke-Finch announces departure from government advisory roles to focus on lucrative conference circuit. Colleagues praise his unparalleled ability to identify problems while remaining strategically distant from solutions.
A dedicated backbencher's year-long campaign of written parliamentary questions has yielded 847 ministerial responses so artfully identical that academics are studying them as a new form of creative writing. The MP remains blissfully unaware of his constitutional innovation award nomination.
Britain's most enduring telephone helpline has achieved the remarkable feat of spending forty years telling callers to visit a website, including twelve years when that website didn't actually exist. Officials describe this as a triumph of forward-thinking digital strategy.
A government pilot scheme in Nottinghamshire has spent fifteen years delivering outstanding results while successfully avoiding the catastrophic risk of being implemented anywhere else. Officials describe its permanent pilot status as a triumph of evidence-based caution.
As Westminster prepares to bid farewell to one of its most enduring figures, we celebrate the extraordinary political journey of Sir Nigel Blandsworth MP, whose remarkable ability to remain completely uncommitted on every issue has made him indispensable to four successive Prime Ministers. His secret weapon? An uncanny talent for agreeing with absolutely everyone whilst committing to absolutely nothing.
Britain's flagship Government Digital Transformation Programme has marked its tenth anniversary with the exciting news that implementation remains just eighteen months away, exactly as it has been since 2014. Officials remain confident that this time the timeline is definitely realistic, unlike all the previous times when it was definitely realistic.
Following years of inspecting Britain's schools, Ofsted has turned its rigorous assessment framework upon itself, awarding the organisation a carefully calibrated 'Good' rating that nobody seems particularly thrilled about. The inspection revealed that whilst Ofsted demonstrates 'satisfactory progress' in telling other people what to do, significant improvements are needed in explaining what it actually does.
Ministers announce groundbreaking environmental commitment with delivery date carefully calculated to occur several decades after anyone involved could possibly be held accountable. Climate experts have reportedly given up checking their emails.
Freedom of Information request reveals Britain's manufacturing renaissance has been meticulously planned using craft supplies and a laminated poster of someone looking thoughtfully at a laptop. Senior officials confirm the approach has exceeded all expectations by technically existing.
Wolverhampton's Meridian Retail Experience has been 'Coming Soon' since 2013, making its promotional signage more enduring than the Brexit process and significantly more reliable than the Northern Ireland Executive. Local councillors consider it a beacon of consistency.
The Cabinet Office has unveiled its most ambitious democratic exercise yet: a 12-week consultation asking the public how often they'd like to be consulted. The initiative has already generated three sub-consultations and a working group to assess whether the working group is necessary.
Number 10 has unveiled its transformative 'Digital Britain 2030' blueprint, featuring innovative approaches that bear no resemblance whatsoever to the twelve previous digital transformation strategies. Officials stress the crucial difference lies in the updated font selection and strategic use of hexagonal infographics.
Conservative MP Rupert Blandsworth-Trite has been awarded the Order of Strategic Non-Participation after serving on six select committees simultaneously without leaving any discernible impact. Parliamentary researchers describe his achievement as 'genuinely impressive' and 'probably quite difficult to do deliberately.'
Sir Roderick Chatsworth-Mills has penned the definitive account of three decades spent witnessing history while contributing absolutely nothing to it. Critics hail it as a masterpiece of political non-achievement.
A groundbreaking £1.8 million linguistic review has equipped the Civil Service with 47 innovative alternatives to admitting anything has ever gone wrong, ever.